You say left, no right I say right, wait left Forces of reckoned fates Sweep us out from under And back to each other
The wave keeps us going along Waiting for a sign No undertow Riptide free right here

I moved in with my dad at 15, calling him one night as I planned to hitchhike to his house. I told him I couldn't take Doug anymore. The final straw turned out to be a funny one as usual. Doug decided we were watching too much TV. It was the first year of Friends, and my brother and I were hooked. We loved Friends and Seinfeld to death, mimicing Jerry or Joey whenever we could. We only had 2 channels, and NBC was the only tv that came in completely clear. My father had just bought me a tv for my room, and it was then that Doug decided all tv's were to go into the garage. We would be allowed to watch TV at his discretion. So I said fuck off, grabbed a knife and approached. He ran into another room and I packed some crap and left. I knew that my father would prolly take me in, foul mouthed and desperatly troubled even still. I couldn't imagine leaving them, my sisters and brother. But one more night I could not take. When I arrived at my dad's house, none of his kids were there but me. My father had recently seperated from my second stepmom and he was spending time here and there with his girlfriend(s). I started school at Littlerock High, in the Antelope Valley in 1996. Since I was taking Latin my freshman year at San Luis Obispo High, it was decided I was smart. So I was enrolled in the AP track for the first time in my life. Of course, the more challenging material led to my eventual recognition of my intellect. But still I followed trouble as it chased me. Alone for days at a time, I started drinking on my own and then in class. Then I totally stopped going to class. Things were fine with my father for the most part until he found out I was passing my classes but at risk for expulsion. Seems I hadn't been to school in weeks. Of course the news arrived on my 16th birthday. So the big bash my grandmother had planned was canned, and I went to work cleaning out the garage. Then I started on the half acre in the back cleaning away the tumbleweeds. Things went downhill from there, fights between my dad and I began in earnest, culminating with me trying to head butt him and him tossing me through a wall. Ok, it wasn't through the wall, but there's a giant ass size hole in that house still. He decided to assign me 7,000 standards: "I will go to school". I had been having dreams about my brother and sisters at this time, and I weighed my opportunities and possibilities. Living alone with brief violent interludes with my dad was getting old, and I missed them and the entire life I had left behind. So I went back during the summer to begin my sophomore year in San Luis Obispo.
Ibis Redibis Non Moriiris
You will go, you will return to die.
I left my dad's house and went back to the lack of tv land, as a wise man once said it's funny how life can conspire to shower you with riches. I lacked tv, and films rated over PG in my still fundamentalist Christian home. My parents had left the church we had long attended after my step father was ordained. He was the only white pastor in a predominantly african american California stronghold of pentecostal religiosity. I saw 2-4 movies a week through my later years in high school. every film, a chance to be out and in another world. far better drama in my opinion. I usually only paid for one movie back then, always figuring out the times and hopping into theaters. Backpack with cookies, chips, sodas, sandwich, napkins, and jacket. After the first movie, couple rounds at the arcade. After the 2nd movie get popcorn. Movie employees might think they saw me before, but there I am in full view buying popcorn and milkduds. Change my shirt or jacket after the 3rd movie with a trip to the bathroom. Leave out of the 4th movie by the back exit doors. I never got caught, or confronted. I don't do it anymore because I can afford a ticket, and small town theaters are the best for this, not so much big city multiplexes. Though I usually only saw 2 movies a week, one on Friday night and one on Saturday when school wasn't too demanding and family or sports taxing, I'd try for more. My personal best was 6 movies in one day at the theater. I paid for each as it was $1 opening theater promotion. Lightening Jack with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Paul Dundee wasn't too bad.

We still had struggles Doug and I when I moved back in with them, but with my new job at McDonald's I found ways to keep out of the house. I joined the track team and started getting political for the first time. As a officer in the Students Associated For Equality club I got my first taste of the divisionary politics that so negatively affect the liberal mindset. Students in our club wanted to make it also a Gay-Straight alliance, which I had a major problem with. I could not see how gays should be afforded equal rights, in my mind I was sure they were still wholly associated with child molesters…and I had had quite enough of that. A dear friend from grade school who had always been made fun for being the queerest kid on the playground came out to me around then. He was struggling with his identity as anyone would of in the late 90's especially in our small town. When he started dying his hair and wearing earrings in both ears, he got beat for it. Teacher's told him he was asking for it, seeing as he dressed and acted as he did. I now understand that this non-normative behavior was what scares people the most sometimes. When something is so different, no one can find away to make it seem the same. The trick I believe? Never insisting it must be. Back then I fought the GSA on the grounds that if someone wanted to found the group they should do it, but not as an extension of our club which was more devoted to Equality for people of color, I insisted. Racial understanding was quite lacking in my little town.