You moaned and writhed
Hands held by
cold circles of lust
“Never stop”
I wanted to.

But you followed my lead
Head bent in concentration
Mouth never stopping to pause
Like a game I could never stop playing
My eyes glazed over from concentration

Never saw you coming
Never saw you step through my scars
Your new evil
Light/fluffy, pink cotton candy
Stickered with “Lick Me”
You won’t stop
I never could

Twirl away and know
This is not the candyland for me.

Lesson the one.
Norms have consequences,
Responsibilities, action.
Truth can tie, and unbind all at the same wonderful
time.

You be my confessional, my place of sitting with these sins.
You be this machine and tell me yes to everything.

Oh I long to leave these places
Oh I long to be free.
To feel the way I do for you,
for you to let me feel that for you.

EXT. WEST HOLLYWOOD CAFE – OUTSIDE PATIO – DAY – EARLY AFTERNOON The sidewalk off of the patio is bustling with people this morning, partners with dogs, men with babies all with the soft sheen of pleasant sweat. From the street, even the noise of TRAFFIC is gentle. In front of the cafe's glass windows sit FAITH and MIKE. FAITH wears her shorts uncomfortably while MIKE shades his eyes from the sun. FAITH lights a CIGARETTE, inhaling.
MIKE Like you could raise a kid better? (annoyed) Please. I'd be making it better. You would fuck that kid over. FAITH And would I! So would you. That's why I said, No in the first place.
FAITH ashes her CIGARETTE in the provided ashtray.
MIKE
But together, we would have a real chance. We could raise our kids and be happy without all the rest of that bullshit. FAITH You mean that happily ever after stuff? (amused)
But we really wouldn't be together, we'd be sharing a like of almosts and not enough.

A MAN walks by on the sidewalk next to FAITH and MIKE's table, dog and linen shopping bags in tow.
FAITH (CONT'D) You just can't have my egg!
The MAN pauses.
MAN Yes, They're very good here aren't they? (tentative)

I commit the same mistakes because I LIVE IN THE MOMENT. The past is too painful, the future uncertain and so I remain unevolved forever on that great merry go round.
The great pretender has passed. It came down to the restraints of what happiness is. For me happiness = love, which I associate with sex. Always have and I always been unhappy. What are other ways I can be fulfilled without losing a best friend due to my own weakness? I don’t think I could ever tell him how when I kissed Asher I wished it was him. Prolly, cause Asher’s gay, I could smell it on him. I want to have sex with Mike, but only if there’s no cost; and there always will be. And now I wonder if I should tell Mike is boyfriend may be cheating? Or that I know the person his boyfriend is dating? I really don’t want to tell Mike that I gave approval of the cheating in hopes Mike would settle down with me. That wouldn’t do at all.

DEAR FUCKING ASSHOLE, (2004) i love you. i love you for every hard edge
that does not sway to me
but bends away further and further every day
for all the things i cannot grasp / for all the loves- / the same pathetic mass
wash yourself, watch yourself. one day you can get mine and the back left defenseless with or without you anytime
i'm your expert witness and i'm sitting on the stand here it is again:
all about you, and what you heard not so, what you did not say; not to remember faith, not to ask, not to pray
and you are right, i cannot be friends with someone who feels that I FEEL this way
i feel this emotion, i bend and then break on the stand every single goddamn time always wanting to, always wanting to right in front of you
i have always been in love with you let's just leave it at that get it right, hold it down, stamp it, and send it into the night
and in that tight, tight horrible space of mutual traumas and disgrace where we eat our evil and strive in dark may you find your pieces alone and apart may selfishness and safety be a better start