My brother joked that his dad's Christmas gift to all of us for was staying home in San Luis Obispo, sad but way true. It was nice to hang out with my uncle, though he's not pleased with my job I don't think…he was like "Well…" and I was laughing my ass off inside. He's such a hardcore Christian, so we argue often over religion and politics. Him trying hard to bring me back into the Christian Fundamentalist fold (of which I have been a proud ex-member of since 1998) and me trying to get him understanding I happily follow my own path, which is more pagan than not. Now that I work in Porn, it's kinda over…I'm like "I won! You can't stop me now!" Of course I want to get out of porn ASAP, it's a bit too much pussy for me. Being permanently turned on is SO not cool. I do have to admit having good sex Christmas morning is the way to go. I decided to forgo family Christmas morn to "hang out" with P again. So I guess you could say we're seeing each other. You could also say I'm dating a zealot. A Jewish zealot, who's also a transvestite. P and I talked a bit about hir identity. I'm not gonna say I totally agree with ze’s life plan of "dressing now" and settling down with a nice Jewish girl later, but it works for the rebound right? Providing comfort, blah, blah…we have a LOT of fun arguing. For me, being around someone from my hometown is awesome. Someone once told me everyone feels the same about their hometown as I do…and I was like nah, you don't get it. Most of my obsession with SLO is not about love, it's about the hell I grew through. Being surrounded by racist, sexist, homophobic folk was the norm in SLO, pretty as a picture it is. P went through some of the same hell as I, same elementary school, same middle school and high school, ze being 5 years older. It's cool to be able to talk to others about the real SLO, and the good SLO one can find between the cracks (Like hanging out at the Sub, or those certain corners of the Creamery (an actual working dairy and at times the only big thing the town had going for it; the town still produces pretty much the best ice cream ever), or the grass near the Mission on which the kids in Black clothes sit. The Mission built in 1776, was the town before all else was, and still remains so for most of the visitors – or maybe the Madonna Inn, hard to say.
When I called Loveline once, Adam Corolla told me SLO was the piss stop of California, where people cared how Luis was pronounced for no freaking reason. I agreed. But many interesting people come from this small town in the near center of California, San Luis Obispo. Like this kid I met in New Orleans. We were out for a drink, me and this girl Chrissy (a straight girl who used to mean the world to me), and this guy comes up and sits with us. He tells me he knows me. I say, “I get that all the time”. “We all look alike”, which amuses both me and Chrissy but not him. He’s persistent, and says he used to know me in SLO. I say, “No Shit”. He tells us he makes money in Nawlins by giving tours to the rich who are vamp obsessed, he’s in costume, he tells us. I’m relieved. He then proceeds to make out with Chrissy, smearing red lipstick everywhere and drunken C (it’s 10pm but it’s a bar in New Orleans so really this all makes sense) laughs. Eventually we run into the shopkeep from a local Goth store who next makes out with Chrissy after successfully navigating himself out of my clutches. We have to leave behind the well intentioned VampfromSLO as we go to another bar, all three of us caressing (said shop keep’s answer to competing attentions) – cause he’s not really happy with the turn of events. So we pick the bar VampfromSLO’s banned from. I never said I was nice all the time did I?
Regardless there are interesting people from San Luis Obispo, this tiny town 200 miles North of Los Angeles, 200 miles South of San Francisco. People like me, and this new T*girl I started dating for a month or two at the end of November ’05. We would talk a bit about identity formation as well, P wondered if I wasn’t confused about my own. I agreed. My roommate teased me recently that I was the straightest queer girl ever. I was like yeah and no, I like women in theory. Like women turn me on (witness the flushed face and slight salivation while working in the girl on girl lesbian porn biz hehe), and there are some women I would marry in a heartbeat and be pleased as punch to spend the rest of my life with them. Like Romola Garai! But overall the chicks that I like don't like me, I'm not their type usually, even if we do have high compatibility scores on OkCupid. And the girls that like me, they scare me with their devotion, LOL. But in the end, I think I'm looking for someone who's happy not to fit in their assigned gender roles, but doesn't mind going back or something. I like gender benders/blenders, but only those who embrace the delight of change. It's something I've been doing a lot of thinking on, I'm very interested in studying more on non-traditional african american female identities. In the queer world, trans and gender queer are usually pretty bright (i.e. white white White). In the black world I am certainly not wholly female, I reject much of african american femininity (clothing, hair, nails, jewelry) but at the same time I don't want a penis and I like my breasts. So I'm gonna stick with empowered queer black woman, aka “I do what I damn well please…”
2006-01-03 23:51:00 2006, I'm cynical and optimistic at the same time.
Everything that's FUCKED up can and will happen to you.
But you can still laugh about it; doesn't that feel beyond good?
Makes ME feel nearly whole. Smile, it's 2006 and that fucking rocks. Bless'd, every day I've been alive and live since!

2006-01-17 21:12:00 A poet at the unemployment line is just like anyone else. 'Cept maybe for the fact that I keep rhyming things in my head to keep from going insane. The floor's shiny and new damn that guy's boot stepped in pooh fuck get away why this have to happen today fuck get away There's a low grade sucking feeling that rising from the ground punctuated by inherently angry voices and frustrated tones. Dulling "No"'s rebound from booth to booth, but I'm just here to acquire information so I keep my humming to myself and remain confident that nothing bad can really happen; no crushing blows for me today. I'm just looking for information. Even this it seems, is less than forthcoming from an Unemployment office. "So what you need to do is fill out the I90-dc6 and then we'll be able to figure out how much you made last year." says the coffee and creamed colored man from his rolling semi-leather chair. Before I can answer in the slightest, he's rolled himself gone. All the better to continue the near-by cubicle conversation I interrupted him from. "I know how to treat a lady." "Excuse me, sir?" I toss back. "Cheesecake Factory, Champagne, Strawberries and Chocolate before the bedtime massage" "Oh My God, I'm so excited for you!" squeals me before I know it. Damn habit.
Rolling Unemployment man rolls right back. "Can I help you?" "I made 12,000 dollars, I have the W-2." "Well you need to fill out the form, do the calculation and bring it back", he starts rolling away. I look to the end of the line where a well intentioned homeless man scoots out of the way, gesturing that there's plenty of space even with his plastic Target bags. "Yo, sex on a stick. Just this form then, like this right?" I fill out $12,000 in column G and sign it quickly. At the same time I thrust myself into the exact middle of the booth, cutting off "Bluetooth lady who annoys me with her Sidekick, what the fuck is she doing in the unemployment line" who's been edging in. Bluetooth lady sees her chance fading, "Sir, I just have a quick question, just a really quick question?" I turn and smile at Bluetooth lady, ever so apologetic. "Well, I'm glad I won't be too long then" "Oh, thank you!" Bluetooth smiles and then realizes I'm not moving. She looks at me and continues to talk on the telephone. "No, the people here are ridiculous", she says while looking straight at me.

24 January 2006 @ 01:09 am SEE FAITH SUCKED INTO THE MACHINE
first day of the real world again*, sometimes life seems like a thrilling awkward upward climb, akin to tarzan on the vines…but without the abs. New Job#3 working for Sony Pictures as an order maintenance analyst for the home entertainment department… Very cool being in this environ as a temp, very friendly folk abouts. museum in the lobby with the actual box from Jumanji. free movies for you and a guest with parking for both. free coke and sprite from a machine, oh my. medical, dental and vision low cost and deducted from payroll, cool. email me for details on getting into the temp pool… *you'll remember I recently decided to go mainstream, and forgo a life of lusciousness. it was a good choice. if you didn't remember, perhaps now you will.
26 January 2006 @ 09:32 pm DID YOU KNOW? Did you know? I broke my nose by running into a jewerly display case (and I remember it) I lost a finger, actually two but right now I wonder WHY I cannot for the life of me fill out verification applets the lil D * & K F J boxes that pop up to ensure you are a singular entity trouble me
I have a favorite fantasy right now, it involves me and a summer road trip. I thought about taking the Geo, had images of an Incredible journey type deal where the Geo and Me have to fend for ourselves in the Wild. Kinda like My Side of the Mountain, Iron Will or whatever. But then I thought about a motorcycle and the Motorcycle Diaries and taking a trip through TX/LA/AR visiting family and checking out plantations; maybe spend some money in Nawlins too. But then I thought about Mexico, and living totally cheaply by the sea…laptop&me. Then I thought about not speaking Spanish. And yes, I started thinking about this with the grand state of MA, can't spell it for shit. But I think I'm gonna try to be as accommodating of MK as possible. That doesn't mean I can't live downstairs from her, accidentally bumping into her from time to time…JUST KIDDING. That was Northover’s reading of me saying I wanted to go to the east coast, such a beautiful asshole is he, but it was funny so I thought I'd write it down. Honestly, the death thing kinda sucks. My job's going well and I'm saving, but I'm pretty sure I need to check out for awhile after my gramps passes. Maybe it won't be for awhile, but it's all…a bit much. For now I'm going over to P/B's for SNES and more, I've decided to be more open about my sexual preference for being slightly submissive. Sometimes it's hard to demand someone dominate you…dunno why. But despite hir zealotry, I think we're both enjoying ourselves. I hope the SNES will help steer the convo away from politics, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.