The trick is to calm your mind and quiet your nerves before you get into bed. I was telling my roommate that it felt good to be out in the mornings, and he went, "What? Faith likes mornings? Far Out." Hehe, I do like mornings with enough sleep. Gonna start riding my bike to my new job, it's a bike loving place with a studio utilizing bike folk for various things so I feel good about biking in. I could bike and it'd be .71 miles there, .71 miles back. Or I could drive, park in temp parking, then take the tram across the lot to my office. Or walk to my office, either way it's like double the distance. On the way home I spend about 20 mins in the parking lot, totally lost looking for a 1991 Geo Metro Hatchback surrounded by SUV's. While I love a good tram/van system, I also really love my bike. So that's that I suppose. Visited me auntie in the hospital, she was diagnosed with lupus and several surgeries couldn't save her foot. She's the youngest of my dad's sisters, very athletic and a peace officer too…she seemed good. Better than could be expected, she was talking to a Vet who had come by to talk prosthetics. She's the type to be running marathons once she gets back up, just 'cause. Oy, so they really want to amputate my grandfather's other foot now, cause of diabetes. Oddly symmetrical events happen in my life it seems, but it's like such a contrasting situation. With one, young and healthy and now limited…the other not so much 🙂 So my mom's saying she's going to move to LA, asked about schools and apts and everything. I told her during the holidays how hard it's been getting, like I felt this was gonna be me and my bro's life for the next 5 years with not much help. Told her about the anxiety I couldn't deal with re: leaving the state, and how I'd wanted to move to Boston (for MK) but it seemed like something I couldn't look to/for when I'd be leaving responsibilities behind. That she's talking about moving down means a lot. She also told me that I gotta live life, that I don't have to always be the one holding things up or trying to in vain. Also felt good to get that reassurance. I called her this week, to tell her about the job. It felt so good talking to her, even though we stumbled into politics as usual. Mom: " I told your sister, she should study Mandarin and Arabic, forget Latin or Spanish…China is gonna own US!" And me spouting peace and a definitive, quantitative loss of greed…she's like what happened to you, where's the cynicism? I guess I'm learning how to change, affect change and not be (too adversely) affected by change. 'Bout Fucking Time. I hope they move, my lil sis doesn't want to leave her best friend, but it would rock to have her in town. I can't imagine how cool it'd be to be 16 and living in W. LA. So much to do, compared to "Smalltown Farmer's Market is the Big Night every week" SLO! But it'll be so weird not going to SLOHS graduations, or rather just the last one. But I'd take her up there to visit her friend, which would give me some real time to reconnect with my friends up there. But yeah, knowing the family is semi-together would be quite sweet. Had a nice time after the hospital with my sister C and her kids and husband, we made a flyer for her upcoming birthday party and then just talked. She's doing really well, really proud of the way she spends copious amounts of time working with her kids to make sure they're learning and growing. After everything she's been through, she's doing good and it's pretty awesome. I wish I could remember what I dreamt last night, it felt rather important in the love dept. but it slipped straight through my "remember dream" fingers

GRR…ARGH, (SIGH) HELP I'M SAD.
Wed, 08 Feb 2006 16:54:13 PST But still call me about a good time sometime won't you? Grandma leaves the message about the show the other night and I call her back yesterday night. She goes, "Well, first I have to talk to you about the show…OooWee! Looks good, when's the premiere again?" She then goes on about the show… So then I'm like "ok, well gotta go kinda tired" and she's like, "oh yes, grandfather goes back into hospice tomorrow. we're not taking off the second foot because he has pneumonia, so we're going to let him go" Right. Well, good news then I suppose. It's been about 13 months now, of him slowly wasting away. Both of his 2 closest friends died and my grandmother herself had a slight stroke due to the stress of the last year. So, yeah, for the best. Stiff upper lip and all that. What got me the most was my gram telling me "I've given in, I'm giving up. I'm tired." What do you say, what can you say? Feeling fairly infantile, I muttered "Everything in it's own time" and she joyfully said, YES! Everything in it's own time. So at least my feeble attempt at saying something worked out better than not. I guess you should always say something.

15 February 2006 @ 02:48 pm
NOT GOOD, BUT GETTING BETTER
Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens Wipe my nose, get my new boots on I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter I put my hand in my father's glove I run off where the drifts get deeper Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown I hear a voice, "you must learn to stand up for yourself, cause I can't always be around." He says… When you gonna make up your mind When you gonna love you as much as I do When you gonna make up your mind Cause things are gonna change so fast Tori Amos, Winter

Boy, that got harder quick, didn't it? After a week of my grandfather removing any tubes himself and in general making a scene, we're now in the "resting comfortable" phase again. Since yesterday he's not opening his eyes, taking water, or food. Of course you know a person can live quite a bit like this. We're looking at a 2-12 day window. I'm just not quite sure when the window opened.
I went to New Orleans with Chrissy in March 2001 and I got my first tattoo. A crazed homeless chick, younger than us, told me my fortune in Jackson Square. She described my future love life, and so far it's been pretty accurate. She also said I would go into the field of nursing, and I was like, No I don't think so. So then she was like, you'll nurse someone then. I shrugged and went on my way.
And now I'm wading in the riptide.
Feeling like I've got no one to turn to. My grandparents have both been the parental figures in my life who help me handle hard decisions. They've prepped me for years that death is always on it's way. Who do you talk to about it, eh? Friends have been really supportive, so I'm thankful fer shizzle. It's like sometimes you don't want to mention it, cause people are like Aww, grandpa! I never knew mine! OR Wow, your grandparents are still alive and they like you? or something like so. I usually never go into the story of my life. Mom/Dad split, next Mom has me against everyone's wishes (incl. my gram) but my grandfather is supportive, Gramps is the lamaze coach and the only other person there when I was born. During the next 18 years it's basically hell (switching schools to avoid Child Protective Services investigation due to mad physical abuse/emotional abuse, the whole not knowing I wasn't half white until I learned to read didn't help either, then there was the sexual abuse, then trying to understand the world as a bi black chick with a 160 iq from a holy rollin family, and that's about it I think).
When I was kicked out of the house on graduation day, my grandparent's were the ones who gathered the black plastic trash bags of all my belonging and took them and me down to LA. They were always my first line of defense, but really it was my grandpa. My grandmother and I connect on tons of stuff, but if you stick us in a room for too long we tear each other apart. With my grandfather, there wasn't the need to always be on game. I could relax and just whistle (he taught me how to do that too). Everyone always called us peas in a pod, 'cause I was closer to him than anyone else in the family and vice versa. I was his lil short stuff.
And then you get older and stop being as close as you once were. I don't regret missing out on saying anything though, luckily enough. I know he always knew and knows how I feel. And there's no one else in the world who's love I never questioned. It's losing my grandfather like this, that's the most fucked up thing I could have ever imagined. It's a personal hell realized that takes me back to visit all the old circles of hell I'd thought I'd left behind. And they all have the visiting signs of Why does this shit happen to me? I feel like I'm being held hostage, to some lesson I can't learn fast enough.
When my sister's mom died, that morning I woke up and the air felt different. Sometimes when people die I see, or sense it — usually only people hella close to me. With Chris's mom, it was like a kinda negative energy charge (the closest thing I find to describe it is in Neil Gaiman's American Gods, kinda like Technical Boy's burning wire smell). With my grandfather being stuck it's been giving my faith a whole lot of shaking. I've always been like once you die, you're part of the next thing — the great beyond or whatnot. I've always felt like my close dead relatives are looking out for me, especially Orbie and my big mama who died when I was 15. I'm the kind of chick who talks to dead folk if you hadn't noticed. But for my grandfather to be here on this plane, stuck in his head…it's been killing me, day after day. My grandmother will say, “but you can feel his firm handshake! He's still here!”
And all I can think of is Thing, the entirely mobile hand from the Addams Family.

15 February 2006 @ 11:59 pm
IT IS WHAT IT IS, THAT.
And so I got the call tonite around 10:42ish from my brother. My gramps died. And now I feel indescribable. Lot of relief, shitloads of it really. Parts of me also feel better knowing that I wasn't feeling so goddamn bad today for no damn reason. Dunno what's gonna happen with my grandmother, but I'll try to be there for her as much as possible. She sounds like she's doing ok, but I feel like she wants us all to be so freakin sad when I'm happy and that's what he wanted. So I'm going to be happy, darn it. Aye. Well. 🙂

16 February 2006 @ 10:45 am
AND FOR MY LAST TRICK…
life goes. on. just got a letter from noble house, a poetry.com type place in England who wants to "publish" a poem of mine in their Songs of Honour book. i'm picking this: Something to work on, is all i crack under pressure I crack under pressure invisible seams stitched now rip oh look there's a chasm yonder yawning wide a welcome whistle (deepest pride) faith contextualized heart beating, breath gone MAKING THE W(HOLE)RUN I crack under pressure but there is something left behind, like salt from sassy sea brine or salivate from the word "lemon lime"

Looks like the funeral might actually be this weekend, my mom said she's pushing for it to happen Saturday. I guess I'll have to come up with 'my speech', I always end up speaking at funerals…doing a poem or something. But with this funeral, it's a mite different. I promised my grandfather years ago that I wouldn't let his funeral be sad, he told me he wanted us all happy…no singing choirs, or big deals…just laughs and good times. He was like, "SHE'S not going to want that, but that's what I want". I consider it an honor to try and make this a joyous time; I am my grandfather’s granddaughter.