it's carrying me off I’ve got my nails in the earth scratching to bleed i try not to fuck this up totally again we will not be able to talk and it'll be awkward and weird and maybe it's going to be anyways, maybe there's nothing i can do about it — but this time i tried to rise above it. asking for clarifications, trying to get to her meat understanding that delving so deep into her is something i did so easily w/o realizing how hard it is for HER to open up. not even to open up but be open to opening the fuck up, i mean shit, and yet i'm just as scared as her. i hope it made her feel better when i told her that, usually i hide/hide/hide my fear until it pops up with special abilities and i'm running away. it hurts to start, but I’ve always been one of those people who wishes for each day to be better, each year, each person, each self. i feel like I’ve learned a lot in the past 6 months, and learned to better process stuff emotionally — challenging my top 2 fears of being alone/abandoned or the next two; being stifled/dependent. yeah it's a lot of fun with me. but it is blessed to be reborn into new thought processes. especially when you can feel that truth radiating through you. that's a point that doesn't come across as well as i'd like in my poem "I was once a tree", that there's such pleasure in letting loose and becoming anew. After talking to MK over aim, I feel like I'm interested in ME…before when I was younger, I didn't understand the merits of self-preservation so well, but love will teach it to you (with a damn big stick engraved with I AM your low self esteem). cause i would die if i hurt her again / or she hurt me, though i know the likelihood of it happening is high. she's just someone i hope i can keep trying with. not sure figuring that out helped at all, but wtf. but i am going to get out there and date. dating seems stupid to me, but there's something to getting to know someone before you sleep with them. relationships make me feel like i'm learning english for the first time. you make stupid mistakes, or there are miscommunications — but everybody else seems to know what they're doing. for the first time there's just a single soul i'm interested in getting to know, like "hmmm. we keep having good conversations, cause you talk to me a lot now. what's that about?" but so far I haven't officially dated a member of my sci-fi club…haha, that sounded funny. i have pretty high standards for multiple points of interest, so unless i'm drunkish i have trouble finding a possible romantic connection with any body in the club. it was the 20th anniversary this week and i got a lil award for enigmacon…and that was all i ever wanted from enigma, so i was pleased. so pleased i cut them off from awarding it to me, i was already close to tears. With my gramps dead, I well up at the slightest provocation — high emotions. Still haven't broken things off with ben officially though i haven't seen him in weeks. I feel like i want to tell hir look i hate pretty much everything thing you think, i'm sorry i can't love you, nor really like you. but otherwise i don't have much, so i'll have to wait a sec to talk to him. really it shouldn't be a big deal, because he wasn't interested in a long term thing…so really it should be fine. i had a really good time playing video games with him, so there's a possibility we could actually be friends. if any game could do it, it'd be super mario world right? Another good thing is the book is coming right along…I'm just wrestling the pages from the computer (and myself) going look you have 59.2 MB (62,156,800 bytes) in your Writings folder with 565 files and 34 folders. What are you waiting for? I dunno what the final manuscript will end up being like, but it shall be interesting. Looking to mix poetry, entertainment, politics, memoirs, and me.

24 February 2006 @ 01:53 pm JAPANESE GENDER STUDIES
One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman. No biological, psychological, or economic fate determines the figure that the human female presents in society; it is civilization as a whole that produces this creature, intermediate between male and eunuch, which is described as feminine – Simone Beauvoir
Found while blogging re: The Fight for Japanese Female Succession Rights bolstered by Figure Skating?

Looking for a decent place for pancakes in the 90034 zip code, an insane task. Having pop up all the vegan restaurants locally, surprising. My ex, vegan, me a meatatarian. Once at a potluck bbq, some friends produced a green dish topped with onion rings. Recognizing only the crispy, flaky bits I anxiously asked, "What might that be?" A clever friend replied, "its a meat casserole you should have some" "How did they make it green? I don't understand?!" I wonder aloud. They tell me it's Meatatarian and I'm overjoyed at the hope that finally someone has made meat that looks and acts like a vegetable. I'm always being shown new things and learning new ways of doing things, sometimes I get lost and favor being part of the joke. Better punchlines for all the fat I've collected. Once a skinny kid, except for some serious knockers I was so glad not to be whistled on the street, and I heartily enjoyed every meal that made it so. I hate the taste of water as well as walking. Fast food doesn't come naturally to me, so I order it special so they'll make it fresh. Then I take it home and dress it up: fresh shredded garlic, salt&pepper, sharp cheddar cheese. I love baking, and will add a hint more of vanilla to peanut butter cookies, or fresh apple pie. For so many addicted, preparation is the sacred part of every consummation. By the time we're eating the meal, the sick feel of all the food, grease, salt, and sweets starts to treat our mind and we've started really wondering if cheeto dust is the proper topping to a cobb salad without green leaves. For all my life I have eaten cheaply, small excursions into expensive bills: overall not impressed with 4 star cooking, and other people's tastes. Once in awhile a famous place will live up to it's legend, but most times it's the local place 'round the corner from you with the Golden Arches that remains reliable. Worked at McDonald s for 2 years in high school, taking time off from home and was impressed by the diligence to the cause of feeding people food. McDonald's has one of the highest and most consistent rates of food quality, and never once did I see a kid abuse a hamburger, thought there was the time someone was caught with themselves in the freezer, hand in the bin. Still, though religious washing of hands! Took several years off from McDonald's, switching to DaBell which I got a lil too into, mmmhm, Cheesy Gordita Crunch's with time off for Long Island Pizza was all that sustained me and my meager monies during campaigning '00. I tried to lose weight, ever since I was a little kid. Having learned that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger I kept on eating. I liked the hell out certain sports and my main mode of transportation, biking which kept me big if not much like a short squat little man. Developed that wonderful girlish belly sometime around 4th grade and it kept all my secrets filling me up…and now what do I find? Letting go, lets things go.

If I ever mean Just One Thing?
Bury me, for I am dead and my multiplicity has gone with me.
How can one be a writer with only one way to write?

INT. NIGHT – FAITH’S ROOM FAITH'S ROOM COMPUTER SCREEN FLICKERS WITH BLANK PAGES AND SCROLLS DOWN TO WORDS THAT FOCUS IN AND OUT MIKE so when do i get to read something of this super secret screenplay? FAITH i dunno MIKE. what about the first few pages? FAITH see right now it's kind of the albino bastard child that hides in the cellar of my mind. MIKE right. FAITH it's just in a real embryonic stage, it's building itself up from a cellular level MIKE …it is BECOMING. FAITH yes it is a bit dramatic isn't it? writing?