By the way how come there’s no one out there asking if GOD is trying to send us a message by hitting the gulf states repeatedly? I’m just saying if they blame queers for 9/11, can’t we blame Bush for Rita and Katrina? 09 September 2005 @ 10:09 pm WHICH =’S RACISM RIGHT?

I am glad for change, though sometimes it’s the scariest thing and the highest ledge. But ya know what, you’re either WORKING IT or getting WORKED, all depends on how you SEE…so jump I say. (LIL BIT OF NOTHING…) You smell like a home I belong to

By the way I got a new job! I start tomorrow at danni’s hard drive…Yes, I am joining the adult entertainment industry as a digital media coordinator…basically re-encoding their entire library to digital formats, while working on current productions. I’m totally excited tho my family is less so, but I broke it down for them: *Woman owned biz with Woman positive porn (ironically or not, a lot of big breasted woman on woman stuff) *Within walking distance of my house, so no pushing the hell out of my ’91 Geo *100% paid medical, dental and vision with 50% matching 401k, and you KNOW there’s always something wrong with me *Very cool working environ, the “Friends” set meets porn with appropriate coffee cups *Kickass holiday parties, one nearly every month — let me know if that’s something that interests you, 🙂 I’m totally excited and nervous, but psyched. I hated the hours in TV, but I enjoyed the hell out of the more technical aspects of tv/film…Working with a computer is way easier on my piscean sensibilities, not too much interpersonal relating going on…making it A LOT easier to have a job that’s a job, not my LIFE…something where I can come home and write, that’s what I’m hoping it shall be.

Me to Brother: I was thinking of trying to have the whole family together for xmas with grandpa. Brother: Who do you mean? Me: Mom, Deb, your Dad, the whole crew, Me, You, Grandparents Brother: Are you hallucinating? Brother: Great sentiment, this being grandpa’s last Christmas Me: Not the first time we’ve said that Brother: Right. But really I think it’s a nice thought, just not going to happen. Me: Right.

We regret that we are unable to use the enclosed material. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider it. Sincerely, The Editors Only hundreds more rejections to go!

some things just don’t get any better, (On TV) NBC4 Weather Plus+: Fritz: “Very frustrating because our storm has slowed down, almost to a halt as soon as it got to San Luis Obispo this morning.” SCREEN FLASHES: SLOWED WAY DOWN That happened at 11:04pm, Thurs Dec 1st, 2005. My mom (who does stuff with construction, architecture, computers and networks that I don’t know much about, lol) comes back from Africa on Dec 4th, 2005–she led a team of experts in infrastructure, technology, and most importantly agriculture…They also took my sister D, who’s just 14. An amazing experience, and welcome one for D. They left Malawi on Saturday and as they left the rain came there, for which they were ecstatic, it means life or death for so many. I do LOVE my family! Rainmakers, woo hoo. 2005-12-10 23:23:00 Notes from a non-island, with not so invisible ink

My brother joked that his dad’s Christmas gift to all of us for was staying home in San Luis Obispo, sad but way true. It was nice to hang out with my uncle, though he’s not pleased with my job I don’t think…he was like “Well…” and I was laughing my ass off inside. He’s such a hardcore Christian, so we argue often over religion and politics. Him trying hard to bring me back into the Christian Fundamentalist fold (of which I have been a proud ex-member of since 1998) and me trying to get him understanding I happily follow my own path, which is more pagan than not. Now that I work in Porn, it’s kinda over…I’m like “I won! You can’t stop me now!” Of course I want to get out of porn ASAP, it’s a bit too much pussy for me. Being permanently turned on is SO not cool. I do have to admit having good sex Christmas morning is the way to go. I decided to forgo family Christmas morn to “hang out” with P again. So I guess you could say we’re seeing each other. You could also say I’m dating a zealot. A Jewish zealot, who’s also a transvestite. P and I talked a bit about hir identity. I’m not gonna say I totally agree with ze’s life plan of “dressing now” and settling down with a nice Jewish girl later, but it works for the rebound right? Providing comfort, blah, blah…we have a LOT of fun arguing. For me, being around someone from my hometown is awesome. Someone once told me everyone feels the same about their hometown as I do…and I was like nah, you don’t get it. Most of my obsession with SLO is not about love, it’s about the hell I grew through. Being surrounded by racist, sexist, homophobic folk was the norm in SLO, pretty as a picture it is. P went through some of the same hell as I, same elementary school, same middle school and high school, ze being 5 years older. It’s cool to be able to talk to others about the real SLO, and the good SLO one can find between the cracks (Like hanging out at the Sub, or those certain corners of the Creamery (an actual working dairy and at times the only big thing the town had going for it; the town still produces pretty much the best ice cream ever), or the grass near the Mission on which the kids in Black clothes sit. The Mission built in 1776, was the town before all else was, and still remains so for most of the visitors – or maybe the Madonna Inn, hard to say. When I called Loveline once, Adam Corolla told me SLO was the piss stop of California, where people cared how Luis was pronounced for no freaking reason. I agreed. But many interesting people come from this small town in the near center of California, San Luis Obispo. Like this kid I met in New Orleans. We were out for a drink, me and this girl Chrissy (a straight girl who used to mean the world to me), and this guy comes up and sits with us. He tells me he knows me. I say, “I get that all the time”. “We all look alike”, which amuses both me and Chrissy but not him. He’s persistent, and says he used to know me in SLO. I say, “No Shit”. He tells us he makes money in Nawlins by giving tours to the rich who are vamp obsessed, he’s in costume, he tells us. I’m relieved. He then proceeds to make out with Chrissy, smearing red lipstick everywhere and drunken C (it’s 10pm but it’s a bar in New Orleans so really this all makes sense) laughs. Eventually we run into the shopkeep from a local Goth store who next makes out with Chrissy after successfully navigating himself out of my clutches. We have to leave behind the well intentioned VampfromSLO as we go to another bar, all three of us caressing (said shop keep’s answer to competing attentions) – cause he’s not really happy with the turn of events. So we pick the bar VampfromSLO’s banned from. I never said I was nice all the time did I?

The trick is to calm your mind and quiet your nerves before you get into bed. I was telling my roommate that it felt good to be out in the mornings, and he went, “What? Faith likes mornings? Far Out.” Hehe, I do like mornings with enough sleep. Gonna start riding my bike to my new job, it’s a bike loving place with a studio utilizing bike folk for various things so I feel good about biking in. I could bike and it’d be .71 miles there, .71 miles back. Or I could drive, park in temp parking, then take the tram across the lot to my office. Or walk to my office, either way it’s like double the distance. On the way home I spend about 20 mins in the parking lot, totally lost looking for a 1991 Geo Metro Hatchback surrounded by SUV’s. While I love a good tram/van system, I also really love my bike. So that’s that I suppose. Visited me auntie in the hospital, she was diagnosed with lupus and several surgeries couldn’t save her foot. She’s the youngest of my dad’s sisters, very athletic and a peace officer too…she seemed good. Better than could be expected, she was talking to a Vet who had come by to talk prosthetics. She’s the type to be running marathons once she gets back up, just ’cause. Oy, so they really want to amputate my grandfather’s other foot now, cause of diabetes. Oddly symmetrical events happen in my life it seems, but it’s like such a contrasting situation. With one, young and healthy and now limited…the other not so much 🙂 So my mom’s saying she’s going to move to LA, asked about schools and apts and everything. I told her during the holidays how hard it’s been getting, like I felt this was gonna be me and my bro’s life for the next 5 years with not much help. Told her about the anxiety I couldn’t deal with re: leaving the state, and how I’d wanted to move to Boston (for MK) but it seemed like something I couldn’t look to/for when I’d be leaving responsibilities behind. That she’s talking about moving down means a lot. She also told me that I gotta live life, that I don’t have to always be the one holding things up or trying to in vain. Also felt good to get that reassurance. I called her this week, to tell her about the job. It felt so good talking to her, even though we stumbled into politics as usual. Mom: ” I told your sister, she should study Mandarin and Arabic, forget Latin or Spanish…China is gonna own US!” And me spouting peace and a definitive, quantitative loss of greed…she’s like what happened to you, where’s the cynicism? I guess I’m learning how to change, affect change and not be (too adversely) affected by change. ‘Bout Fucking Time. I hope they move, my lil sis doesn’t want to leave her best friend, but it would rock to have her in town. I can’t imagine how cool it’d be to be 16 and living in W. LA. So much to do, compared to “Smalltown Farmer’s Market is the Big Night every week” SLO! But it’ll be so weird not going to SLOHS graduations, or rather just the last one. But I’d take her up there to visit her friend, which would give me some real time to reconnect with my friends up there. But yeah, knowing the family is semi-together would be quite sweet. Had a nice time after the hospital with my sister C and her kids and husband, we made a flyer for her upcoming birthday party and then just talked. She’s doing really well, really proud of the way she spends copious amounts of time working with her kids to make sure they’re learning and growing. After everything she’s been through, she’s doing good and it’s pretty awesome. I wish I could remember what I dreamt last night, it felt rather important in the love dept. but it slipped straight through my “remember dream” fingers GRR…ARGH, (SIGH) HELP I’M SAD.

weirdly i feel like i have something more to live for, to be happy for…that he’s there and not here like that makes me want to dance a bit, sing a bit…rather have him here, but in total full health and happy and awesome, but he’d already had that and then some and some and some. i feel like that’s something to aspire to, not to go out like per se but aspire to have known you lived your life. and have no doubts. and be ready to go, knowing that it was well done. and we’re doing well, better than well all that he leaves behind.

it’s carrying me off I’ve got my nails in the earth scratching to bleed i try not to fuck this up totally again we will not be able to talk and it’ll be awkward and weird and maybe it’s going to be anyways, maybe there’s nothing i can do about it — but this time i tried to rise above it. asking for clarifications, trying to get to her meat understanding that delving so deep into her is something i did so easily w/o realizing how hard it is for HER to open up. not even to open up but be open to opening the fuck up, i mean shit, and yet i’m just as scared as her. i hope it made her feel better when i told her that, usually i hide/hide/hide my fear until it pops up with special abilities and i’m running away. it hurts to start, but I’ve always been one of those people who wishes for each day to be better, each year, each person, each self. i feel like I’ve learned a lot in the past 6 months, and learned to better process stuff emotionally — challenging my top 2 fears of being alone/abandoned or the next two; being stifled/dependent. yeah it’s a lot of fun with me. but it is blessed to be reborn into new thought processes. especially when you can feel that truth radiating through you. that’s a point that doesn’t come across as well as i’d like in my poem “I was once a tree”, that there’s such pleasure in letting loose and becoming anew. After talking to MK over aim, I feel like I’m interested in ME…before when I was younger, I didn’t understand the merits of self-preservation so well, but love will teach it to you (with a damn big stick engraved with I AM your low self esteem). cause i would die if i hurt her again / or she hurt me, though i know the likelihood of it happening is high. she’s just someone i hope i can keep trying with. not sure figuring that out helped at all, but wtf. but i am going to get out there and date. dating seems stupid to me, but there’s something to getting to know someone before you sleep with them. relationships make me feel like i’m learning english for the first time. you make stupid mistakes, or there are miscommunications — but everybody else seems to know what they’re doing. for the first time there’s just a single soul i’m interested in getting to know, like “hmmm. we keep having good conversations, cause you talk to me a lot now. what’s that about?” but so far I haven’t officially dated a member of my sci-fi club…haha, that sounded funny. i have pretty high standards for multiple points of interest, so unless i’m drunkish i have trouble finding a possible romantic connection with any body in the club. it was the 20th anniversary this week and i got a lil award for enigmacon…and that was all i ever wanted from enigma, so i was pleased. so pleased i cut them off from awarding it to me, i was already close to tears. With my gramps dead, I well up at the slightest provocation — high emotions. Still haven’t broken things off with ben officially though i haven’t seen him in weeks. I feel like i want to tell hir look i hate pretty much everything thing you think, i’m sorry i can’t love you, nor really like you. but otherwise i don’t have much, so i’ll have to wait a sec to talk to him. really it shouldn’t be a big deal, because he wasn’t interested in a long term thing…so really it should be fine. i had a really good time playing video games with him, so there’s a possibility we could actually be friends. if any game could do it, it’d be super mario world right? Another good thing is the book is coming right along…I’m just wrestling the pages from the computer (and myself) going look you have 59.2 MB (62,156,800 bytes) in your Writings folder with 565 files and 34 folders. What are you waiting for? I dunno what the final manuscript will end up being like, but it shall be interesting. Looking to mix poetry, entertainment, politics, memoirs, and me. 24 February 2006 @ 01:53 pm JAPANESE GENDER STUDIES