True love is just another fairytale that mothers tell their daughters to get them in bed each night. “One day you’ll fall in love with the right man, and you’ll get married and have children” she would say. Making sure that I knew that the man would be “a good Christian man”. It wouldn’t matter to my mother what race he was, since she herself had married a white man. I wondered how that would work out, since ever night I dreamed of luscious women who surrounded me with titillating chests and slits warm with love. Still, I tried to belong in the dream of a man who would sweep me off my feet and cover me with beautiful kisses the kind of which would wake even the dead. When I was fourteen I began to have annual dream in which my beloved and I would find each other. Once a year I traveled to places I’d never been, frolicked and fucked, only to wake up only with the promise of my future. Who was that person who came to my dreams? Faceless, I knew him by touch alone. Yes, that was the most surprising bit, that he was not a she. Probable effect of being socialized in a homophobic society, I convinced myself.

touting my talent and possibilities. Some compliments I’d really rather not have had. Boy who I had a crush on:

I’ve had over 100 crushes in the last 10 years. If you walk by and smile I might form a crush on you. In fact, because you’re reading this? I have a crush on you, and hope you’ll call me to tell me if you think it might work out with us?

You won’t get that chance will you? To see me with your child

you abhor my smoking like a vacuum I nakedly long to be swept up by quiet around me. subtle silence? quickened pulse flit flit fluster glittery gilded luster lust Unquenching wrenching thirsted curse walking waken sands of rustling golden dust am i whole without you fitting mine? without you fitting my mind another just fate unkind EXT. DAY-PARK FAITH sees MATT her last known Crush at a school BBQ

What is it about the pornography industry we find so distinctly revolting? The money shots, the women still sore from surgery, or maybe the proliferation upon our society of some seriously raunchy shit? In the past I always felt that porn was something personal, something you didn’t share with others. Of course, that might have been because of a Pentecostal upbringing that naturally denounced the act of masturbation as unnatural. Watching porn ironically helped unshackle me and with every fuck my own inconsistent self-hatreds were laid bare. My mother once told me that masturbation wasn’t “bad”, but it wasn’t good. She said that the problem lay with lust, no pun intended. In order for most people to masturbate, she explained, they’d have to fantasize about someone who is not their husband or wife. She didn’t see anything wrong with masturbation as long as it was included in a loving Christian marriage. That didn’t help me too much, as most of the time I was fantasizing about lesbians while I got off. Then I’d ask god for forgiveness:

I started going to a discussion group for coming out students sponsored by my university, at first unsettled to be the only black person in the group. Then I met Kariann. A music and computer geek, she was the softball butch type, a Jewish American princess from Laguna and I fell deep and hard into my first real relationship…which lasted 13 days. We went to see The Matrix at a preview screening and my girl’s insistence that the movie sucked kinda turned me off of her. I was also still feeling attracted to men which caused me great confusion. I didn’t know what to do, but I felt calling myself a lesbian wasn’t right. I came out to Kariann as a bisexual, which she didn’t want to hear. To be fair, I asked her to sit with me in a private room and then I told her to face the wall because I couldn’t look at her. Then I told her I was bi and wanted to break up with her. Little did I know that THIS WAS THE STEREOTYPE of bisexuality. I’ll always be really sorry that I insisted on trying to put on a brave front so she couldn’t see me crying. That day I began to understand what it meant to hurt someone for no other reason but selfish pains. I fell in with a ton of gay boys after me and Kariann broke up, started going to raves and dropping E. Did that about 5 times, before giving up due to low serotonin levels just making me feel ‘normal’. But I enjoyed the gay boy lifestyle, till I realized I kept on getting called a fag hag or fairy queen when bitches were being nice. I really hated not being recognized as who I was, but I couldn’t ask anyone…when I didn’t know. So I settled for being in love with my best friends for the next couple years.

The now knowing me imparts The knowing me eats of that tree

I feel so over. Here I sit listening to Garbage’s “Special” for the millionth time.

You moaned and writhed Hands held by