I'd like to think of my journal as a microcosm of who i am; the voice is mine, but it's still just fractions, pieces of me that somewhat reflect a soul. The basics: smart, funny, fucked up. I write what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it and often journaling is part of the process of sifting and delving, mining and drilling–not just to pick a long padlocked heart, but to ensure it's never shuttered as such again.
Uh-oh. it strikes again. I AM THE WORST WRITER IN THE WORLD. And there is no one who could possibly assuage your belief that your story is weak, characters undeveloped, writing stilted, and run-on sentences unbearable. And then you get over it, because you're laughing your ass off…Wheeee, said the little pig, all the way home. I just really detest commas sometimes, I mean who the frick thought of those…sometimes I wish I had been paying attention in elementary school, instead of polishing off the library on the sly. Makes me think of my evil second grade teacher, Mrs. P. who forbid me from reading in the classroom. It's funny because I remember her being quite exasperated by my deviousness to do what I wished instead of paying attention to her and class. I really liked reading, and did it all the time. I just didn't understand why I had to pay attention to anything in class if I could pass the tests and turn in the homework from time to time. She was a bitch tho, that Mrs. Pax, a total hata as they say. When she lost control of the class, the main instigator, me, went into the classroom closet to sit and reflect.
Sometimes I think that I must have been a terror, hell to deal with, but my entire class fit that bill to a certain extent. The kids at my elementary school (specifically my year and that above me) were legendary for their fucked-up-ness. The sexual activities were friggin crazy. I remember watching a fellow 6th grader get beat with a bat BY HER BOYFRIEND so that she would miscarry. She ended up having a kid a year later in 7th grade. It was always totally odd to run into her and I'd be 15 and she'd have a toddler. The weirdest thing about the school was this lord of the flies degradation mentality where the more popular and MORE FUCKED UP kids swayed others into shit, like Tit Twisting Tuesdays and Wiener Wacking Wednesdays. When I try hard to remember it all I can't see who started it up, just that a whole goddamn bunch of kids who were under 13 were getting HELLSA freaky. JB and some kid getting "married" on the grass and going into the bushes after to simulate sex.
Freaky and odd, but my problems were less about my peers burgeoning sexuality and more about watching my back. Earlier in life I learned the way to avoid getting picked on was to avoid packs or throngs of kids. Which I was seemingly unable to do, say my 6 suspensions and 3 grade school changes. I only got officially "expelled" from 4th grade for fighting. Knocked a kid with the last name of Fruit off his bike for calling me a black bitch. Looking back on it I prolly coulda cut that dude a break…It's funny because I never got into fights with the popular kids (they only teased mercilessly snapping my bra and lifting up my hand me down skirts) just the kids who were fighting the losing battle against being least liked.
I was a rather large kid (5'6, size 11 shoes, and a C cup all by the time I was 11), so it really wasn't that great always being the biggest and blackest target. When I was 12 I stumbled across some letters from parents of fellow students in my 2nd grade class who were expressing their concern for my safety, though now I wonder if I read them right. Were their letters hinting it be best I leave for all concerned or were they truly concerned for me as a student? Every time I ask my mom about some piece of my past that I remember happening she laughs and says, "You don't forget anything EVER. You have to let things GO". Part of me wants to tell her that I'm trying to, but before I can let anything go I've got to try and understand how it affected me. You let things go and they're gone but then you realize "that thing" is a living breathing part of your rage, your detachment, and your issue. Trying to tame a dragon you can't see is a bitch. AND YET. I never imagined or dreamed as kid that my life would be as wonderful as it is today, as magical, as fun and as beautiful. Even with all that's still a’tre twisted, my life is still better than it's ever been. If it's in large part because of a refusal to filter my existence thru dark shades of denial, I feel like it's all the better, because I FEEL better…tho I am wondering where that fucking padlock went.
IF I TRIED TO REALLY EXPLAIN MY DISTASTE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, WELL… INT – ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM DAY – 1988 10:45AM Children sit in the classroom not so quiet, even tho repeated shushes emanate from the teacher at the front of the room. The entire room is red and covered with Valentine’s Day exultations and refrains. On the back wall of the classroom a giant felt wall hanging with 22 different open envelopes await valentines… TEACHER looks up from desk.
TEACHER: It's 10:45 now, we have 35 minutes until lunch everyone. I want us all to be finished with our cards by then!
Kids look up at TEACHER and then back down again barely registering her. The Kids continue to address their valentines. Some kids have store bought Muppet Babies valentines cards, some have paper doilies done up special. FAITH sits with her cards, store bought CARE BEAR kind and she carefully addresses each one.
CARDS: TO: BECKY You're Really Cool, thanks for letting me borrow your pen TO: MARK Awesome! Have a great day! TO: BRANDI I HATE YOU.
FAITH considers the card to BRANDI. She crumples up the Valentine card and pulls out a new one.
TO BRANDI: Have a nice day
FAITH (V.O.)
Even while I seethed I was polite in gesture. And I had reason to seeth.
EXT PLAYGROUND – DAY 1987 FAITH stands to the side of the handball court, shyly smiling. It is the first day of 1st grade and she is taller and bigger than everyone, lil nubbins of breasts are growing way too quick. A very small boy, NATE hits the ball to the side of the court, and Whoops as it barely makes it IN.
NATE: YES!
BRANDI, a bigger girl, hair braided in plaits and wearing cute shoes and an evil smile grabs the ball.
BRANDI That was OUT! It's my turn now! NATE: Um, but…
BRANDI walks toward NATE who shrinks back slightly.
BRANDI: I'm NEXT in line, so I'm the judge! It was OUT!
NATE drops the ball and shuffles back in line. FAITH picks up the ball.
BRANDI: I'm next. FAITH: So you decided. I think I want to be next.
BRANDI comes up to FAITH and gets in her face.
BRANDI Are you sure about that?
FAITH leans back into her.
FAITH Positive. Well now that you mention it, I think Nate should go next.
BRANDI walks over to NATE
BRANDI: You want to go next? (threateningly in his face) NATE No. You go ahead!
BRANDI turns and smirks at FAITH FAITH bounces the ball hard to BRANDI who gets hit in the face. FAITH winces and BRANDI's nose bleeds and bleeds. A teacher rushes over to help, BRANDI shakes away the TEACHER.
BRANDI I won't forget this!
TEACHER leads BRANDI to Nurse's office
FAITH: Good at making enemies, especially on first days. Didn't know that she was the most powerful girl in 1st grade, this being her second time doing it.
INT – ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM DAY – 1988 11:10AM TEACHER stands and pushes her chair in. Buzz in the room begins to grow as kids shift from Kinda Quiet to Almost Lunch.
TEACHER: Alright, please form 2 lines in front of the Valentine's day mailbox! Get ready to give your Valentines!
The kids form two lines and begin to deposit their cards in boxes, FAITH is at beginning of line and carefully puts hers in all of the boxes, the largest going to TEACHER.
TEACHER's CARD: Happy Valentine's Day! I'm sorry I talk so much, I'll try and be better! Love, Faith
FAITH and the other kids rush out the door on their way out to lunch. TEACHER stays behind looking at the burgeoning wall hanging, the white paper bags are stuffed to the brim. Some kids have more than others. And one has none. TEACHER looks into FAITH's empty Valentine's bag.
TEACHER: Shit. Shit, Shit, Shit, SHIT.
TEACHER grabs her keys and her lunch bag and heads for the parking lot.
INT – ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM DAY – 1988 12:10PM Kids mill in from lunch red faced and worn out. They sit on the edges of their chairs, itching for the chance to get to their cards.

TEACHER: We're gonna go row by row people, first row you may get your cards.
The kids excitedly grab their paper bags fill of chocolate and hearts and candy well wishes.
TEACHER: Second row, you may begin.
FAITH rises and goes to her bag. There is only one valentine, but it is a big one. A giant box of chocolate, tied with a red bow. It looks very expensive. Silence fills the room as the kids tilt their heads in wonder. BRANDI comes over to Faith's desk and leans on it.
BRANDI Who gave you that? Does Faith have a boyfriend? FAITH No. I don't know how I got it. BRANDI What else did you get? FAITH This is it. (weakly) BRANDI HAHA, HAHAHA you only got ONE valentine! (cackles) You know why you only GOT ONE? Because you're stupid and UGLY! No one likes you.
The other kids in the class look away and down at their desks.
FAITH Fuck you. BRANDI Teacher! Teacher! Faith said the F-word!
TEACHER looks up from her desk and her lunch which she is only now eating.
TEACHER Faith, up here NOW!
Faith takes her one valentine and goes up to the TEACHER's desk.
TEACHER Did you say the F-word? FAITH Yes.
TEACHER sighs. TEACHER writes out a note and folds it, sealing it with tape.
TEACHER: Please go to the principal's office, take this with you. FAITH Fine.
FAITH turns to leave, face stoic and hard.
TEACHER Faith!
FAITH turns back
FAITH Yeah? TEACHER I really liked your valentine. (softly)
FAITH tears up a bit but does not cry.
FAITH Thanks.
FAITH leans over the desk towards TEACHER
FAITH And I really liked yours. (whispers)
FAITH leaves for the principal's office. EXT. PLAYGROUND – LATER Kids run around after school, running to what or where no one can say, not even they. FAITH has her backpack and is leaving for a long walk home. NATE runs up to her.
NATE Faith! FAITH! FAITH What?! NATE shrinks back a little and then pushes himself forward determined. NATE Here.
NATE hands FAITH a Valentine. It's very pretty and wonderful and amazing.
FAITH Thank you.
BRANDI sees NATE talking to FAITH.
BRANDI Oh, got one more did ya? Who's got a boyfriend? K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I told you, anyone who gives her a card GETS IT FROM ME! FAITH 'Cause you really really REALLY want to give it to him huh? Who wants a boyfriend?!

The crowd of kids that has gathered looks on interested.
BRANDI You're stupid dumb bitch and I hate you! FAITH Fuck off then. BRANDI FAITH AND NATE SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!
BRANDI shouts it into her face and most of the kids in the crowd start to shuffle away. A rock sails over the heads of all of them and hits BRANDI in the back of her neck.
BRANDI OW! WHO DID THAT!!!
BRANDI whirls around looking for suspects and victims, FAITH and NATE take off running.
FAITH to NATE: Thanks. NATE No problem. She's a total bitch.